There was a time when if someone asked me whether I had trust issues, I would have said no, and I wouldn’t have recognized the irony of simultaneously having suspicious thoughts like, “What are you hinting at?” or “Why exactly are you asking?”
Lucky for me I’m in therapy.
Lately I’ve been feeling pretty sane. No flashbacks. Totally present with my family. Sleeping through the night. All good, normal stuff, leading me to indulge in a fantasy of scaling back on therapy.
Gong! Turns out it’s a bad idea.
Healer Lady and I discussed it a bit during this week’s session, but came to no solid conclusion. Then, after not having much else to discuss, about 40 minutes into the 50-minute session, she asked how I was doing with trust in my relationships.
My internal response – are you fucking kidding me?! I’m mildly exhausted by the fact that she’s like Superman with x-ray vision of my head.
My answer to her question was pretty much guilty silence. So, my fantasy of scaling back will remain just that.
Watching Nugget interact with a cashier at Rite Aid later that day, it hit me that I may not be capable of teaching my daughter to trust. I might screw her up on this one. Instead of saying hi back to the guy, her initial instinct was to duck below the counter so he couldn’t see her. I could totally relate. But being able to relate to that urge of wanting to be invisible may muck up things up on my end.
If I were to be really honest, my trust issues result in my desire to be actively and aggressively anti-social. (As I wrote that, I realized that my friends are so screwed.) But unless you’re some sort of eccentric recluse of stature, like J.D. Salinger, you can’t get away with that shit and not end up like this dude:
So, hoping not to become a total weirdo and hoping not to raise one, trust is next on my therapeutic agenda.
Trust or bust, baby!!!!